A Statement from Her Majesty the Queen Regarding Harry, Meghan and the Coming Trials of Severance

Published 13 January 2020

Today my family had very constructive discussions on the future of my grandson and his family.

My family and I are entirely supportive of Harry and Meghan’s desire to create a new life as a young family. Although we would have preferred them to remain full-time working Members of the Royal Family, we respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family, and they will be allowed to do so once they have completed The Trials of Severance.

While The Trials have never been invoked in my lifetime, they have a storied yet secret history in the annals of the Royal Family. Because their origins lie somewhere in the eleventh century, The Trials may seem somewhat antiquated, unduly harsh and even barbaric. While reviewing the details of the coming Trials with my most trusted barristers and historians, there were even some untoward elements that moved me to stand, place my gloved fingertips lightly on the table, and gaze worriedly into the middle distance. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult this is for me to admit.

Alas, our hands are bound by history; The Trials of Severance must proceed as they were written lo those many years ago.

So, beginning on 27 January, the Sussexes will face a challenge unlike any they have ever encountered.

Their quest begins at the Tower of London, “before the first crowing of the morningcock,” where they will face the enigmatic automatons known as the “Metal Knights Three.” Like you, I have only just now learned about these shadow-cloaked devices, but scholars assure me that they are real, and they are dangerous. Not only that, there are documents proving that the White Tower was built to specific dimensions to maximize “animatory arcane energies” in the chamber where the “showdown” with “MK3" will occur. So, suffice to say: exciting stuff. Take that, Love Island.

Should they survive the first trial, Meghan and Harry will find themselves on the roof of the tower, where a court wizard will present them with an “impossible choice.”

I have always been aware of the corps of wizards that lurks behind the austere velvet curtains of the monarchy, of course; but, like you, I have no idea what this “impossible choice” may be. Perhaps it has something to do with choosing between your grandmother and starting a quote-unquote “lifestyle brand” in Canada, though that’s a choice I admit I would find quite easy indeed—unless I were, say, an ungrateful pair of brats.

Oh, what’s that? Is the Queen Mum being too “real” for you? My grandson just told the world he wanted to “step back” from the family. My family. How would that make you feel? The Empire keeps shrinking and shrinking, and I fear that soon it will be just me and the corgis. But, stiff upper lip, what. Keep calm and carry on.

Should the Sussexes be granted entry, the wizard’s portal will transport them to what the documents unfortunately refer to as the “mysterious Orient,” which—judging by how our ancestors understood the globe—could be literally anywhere east of the channel. Oh, how things have changed. We’ve come a long way. Not far enough for some couples, who want an independent progressive life across the pond, but I think we deserve a right pat on the back.

From their destination, the Sussexes must find their way back home again to complete the trial. This will admittedly be much easier now than it was in the 1000s, what with GPS, cellular phones and plane travel. They are also properly immunized. If I may just “spitball” an update to this bit for future generations, maybe add something about a blindfold or a fake moustache. I’m not certain which; I’m simply a monarch who has kept my family together for nearly one hundred goddamnned years.

Upon their return to the UK, Harry and Meghan need simply make their way to Buckingham Palace, where I will grant them Severance from their royal duties if young Harry can defeat me in single combat. Again, this is an element that may have sounded more challenging when the King was a strapping young man — something about besting the father to make your own way in the world, and whatnot. But don’t despair; you’ll find that this old Queen still has a few tricks up her sleeve. I won’t spoil anything, but let’s just say it’s good to have a few wizards in your service, along with a royal blacksmith who specializes in giant-ass greatswords.

When the Trials of Severance are complete, the gates of the palace will be thrown open. If a stag emerges, Harry has been victorious, and he and the Duchess will be able to escape to their beloved Canada. If an aurochs emerges (we’ve been keeping a few secretly alive for just such an occasion), then I have been victorious, and we will begin a period of national mourning. Because while Harry may be moved to show mercy in victory, I for one do not fuck around.

These are complex matters for my family to resolve, and there is some more work to be done, but I have asked for final decisions to be reached in the coming days.

Writer, mostly. www.jakechristie.com

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