A Statement from Her Majesty the Queen Regarding Harry, Meghan and the Coming Trials of Severance
Today my family had very constructive discussions on the future of my grandson and his family.
My family and I are entirely supportive of Harry and Meghan’s desire to create a new life as a young family. Although we would have preferred them to remain full-time working Members of the Royal Family, we respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family, and they will be allowed to do so once they have completed The Trials of Severance.
While The Trials have never been invoked in my lifetime, they have a storied yet secret history in the annals of the Royal Family. Because their origins lie somewhere in the eleventh century, The Trials may seem somewhat antiquated, unduly harsh and even barbaric. While reviewing the details of the coming Trials with my most trusted barristers and historians, there were even some untoward elements that moved me to stand, place my gloved fingertips lightly on the table, and gaze worriedly into the middle distance. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult this is for me to admit.
Alas, our hands are bound by history; The Trials of Severance must proceed as they were written lo those many years ago.
So, beginning on 27 January, the Sussexes will face a challenge unlike any they have ever encountered.
Their quest begins at the Tower of London, “before the first crowing of the morningcock,” where they will face the enigmatic automatons known as the “Metal Knights Three.” Like you, I have only just now learned about these shadow-cloaked devices, but scholars assure me that they are real, and they are dangerous. Not only that, there are documents proving that the White Tower was built to specific dimensions to maximize “animatory arcane energies” in the chamber where the “showdown” with “MK3" will occur. So, suffice to say: exciting stuff. Take that, Love Island.
Should they survive the first trial, Meghan and Harry will find themselves on the roof of the tower, where a court wizard will present them with an “impossible choice.”