Skiing for Idiots

Learn how to stop eating it like an amateur and start schussing like a star

Skiing, once seen as a sport enjoyed exclusively by the rich, has evolved into a popular pastime with a much broader fanbase, welcoming the rich, semi-rich, and kids in school programs that get them hooked with all the subtlety of an opioid ring. Perhaps you’ve been bitten by the “ski bug”* and want to get out on the trails with your local friends and/or WASPs!

*also known as alpine illness, downhill disease, mountain malady and “carver’s lament”

Stuck on where to begin? Don’t worry, moron – it’s actually surprisingly easy to get started. Let me guide you through the basics.

Equipment

If you want to hit the slopes, you’re going to need skis with bindings; boots; and poles. This “holy trinity” of gear works in tandem to keep you sliding down the hill, attach your boots to your skis, provide balance and stability, and remove thousands of dollars from your wallet.

Skis

Browsing skis online or at a ski shop, you may feel overwhelmed by choices, but here’s the secret ski manufacturers don’t want to to know: all skis…